Your Body Is a Duckberg

My main problem with the John Mayer song "Your Body Is a Wonderland" (besides the fact that it's the sort of vapid song that guy with a guitar at a college party plays in an effort to go to bed with a lady) is that I'm not entirely certain what kind of a connection he's trying to make. I mean, I'm pretty sure he's not trying to convey the message: "Oh, you sweet thing, your body reminds me of a heavily wooded underground monarchy inhabited by playing cards, talking animals, and mythological creatures, as imagined by a guy who may or may not have been smoking a lot of opium." And yet, that's all I can think of whenever I hear it. I mean, if Wonderland was not a well-known fictional place, and was just some term he coined, then sure, whatever Mayer, knock yourself out, but as it stands he might as well be singing "Your Body Resembles Narnia" or "Your Body Reminds Me Of McDonaldland" a comparison that I doubt any lady would exactly appreciate. But I digress.

What Do I Know About Sports?

Recently, I had a conversation about my general lack of what many people consider to be "common knowledge" regarding sports. As you are about to discover, it's a fair observation. I've never been very interested in sports, and though I've certainly seen some games over the years, I can't say that they were terribly memorable events. What I don't know about sports could probably fill up an encyclopedia.

But what about what I do know?

For the purpose of keeping this blog an accurate depiction of my personal sports knowledge, I will not resort to double-checking any of this information, so if there are any spelling errors, or outright falsehoods, I apologize in advance.

Off we go . . .

Baseball: Widely regarded as the national pass time of the United States. Also big in Japan. Probably a mutated version of cricket, though I don't know that much about cricket either. The rules seem a little complicated, but it's basically people hitting a ball and trying to run around a series of bases (arrayed in a diamond shape) before someone catches the ball and tags someone from the opposite team with it. Although, if someone catches it, the hitter is "out," so you basically want to either hit the ball so hard that it goes out of bounds (a "home run", unless it goes the wrong way, which is called a "foul") or do something weird, like not hit it very hard (this is called "bunting") and run to first base before someone tags you with it, or throws the ball to the guy standing on first base. Cheating is actually encouraged, so if you can run to a base while the pitcher's not paying attention, you can get away with it. Except not from home plate. Like I said, it's weirdly complicated. Baseball teams are based out of cities, but there are clearly different levels of competition, as I've never seen the Syracuse team (I think they're either the Chiefs or the Sky-Chiefs, but maybe they've changed their name to something totally different while I wasn't paying attention) play the New York Yankees. The Red Socks are based out of Boston, and they and the Yankees hate each other's guts. Or at least, their fans do. The Red Socks broke a long losing-streak several years ago, and people were excited about it. There's another team with a long-losing streak, but I don't know who they are. The Cubs, maybe? That sounds right, at any rate. Babe Ruth was a baseball player. Also, Ty Cobb. Also . . . Derek Jeter. Hmmm. Oh, also, there was a scandal in 1919 when eight of the White Socks threw the World Series (whatever that is.) And one of those guys was Shoeless Joe Jackson, and some kid was like, "Say it ain't so, Joe." And I imagine that made Mr Jackson very sad.

Basketball: Two teams run back and forth and put a ball through a relatively high hoop, either by jumping up and tossing the ball in, or "shooting" it with their hands. You're allowed to block these attempts, but not too much, and you're not supposed to touch the other players, I think. If you knock them down, that is a "foul" and then the other team gets to get some free shots at the basket. You get more points if you shoot the ball farther from the hoop, but I think the most you can score on a single "basket" is three points. There's a lot of scoring in basketball, and people seem to enjoy that. Teams are based out of cities. The Bulls are from Chicago. There's a team called the Celtics, but no one pronounces their name correctly. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley (sp?) are basketball players. Also, Shaquille O'Neil. Oh, and Kareem Abdul Jabbar (thanks Airplane!) and . . . Larry Bird. And Lebron James, who's actually a pretty good actor. I also only know who these people are due to commercials and movies. Anyhow, most people seem to be more interested in College Basketball, especially in Syracuse. Our team is the Orangemen, and one time, while I was out of town, we won a championship and people kind of lost it and started tearing down trees and guys in riot gear were sent in to break it up. St. Bonaventure's team is called the Bonnies, but I only know that because that's where my friend Pete went to school. The Harlem Globetrotters are not a real team, but I'm not really sure where they fit in. I think they just go around the country putting on exposition games against a fake team of really white guys, who we're supposed to hate. I guess it's kind of like professional wrestling, but with more basketball.

Boxing: Two guys beat each other in a ring until one of them gets knocked out, or is just so battered and confused (or tired of being hit) that they don't get up after ten seconds. The boxers wear gloves, which is supposed to soften the blows, but I think it causes more brain damage because of how the hits are absorbed by the head. You can't punch below the belt. There are occasionally breaks in the fighting to give the boxers time to cool down and have their wounds tended to. Jake LaMotta was a boxer (thanks Raging Bull!) Mike Tyson was/is a boxer, and was famous enough to be the end boss of the NES game Punch-Out, but then he went kind of nuts and bit off part of someone's ear (Evander Holyfield, I think) and I don't even know if he boxes anymore. He does have pet tigers though.

Fencing: This is basically two people fighting with swords, which is no where near as cool as it should be. The participants wear a lot of white protective gear, which de-humanizes them to the point where they might as well be robots, and the bouts tend to be very very quick. The goal is simply to touch your opponent with the tip of your sword, which are blunt and, I think, have electronic sensors in them, so they're not slashing and hacking at each other, or kicking over big candelabras, or, you know, dueling the way people do in the movies. Oh, also, the swords are called "foils."

Football: A game where two teams attempt to get a oddly shaped ball into the opposing team's "end-zone," usually by throwing, catching, or running with it while people try to knock each other down. You can kick the ball through a goal, but it's not worth as many points. It probably derived from Rugby, though I don't know enough about that sport to make comparisons. People get seriously injured during this game, but, unlike hockey, actual fighting is not allowed. Football is probably only played in America. Teams generally seem to be based out of cities, but some seem to be from regions. The New England Patriots, for instance, are probably from Boston, but I'm not sure. Both the Giants and the Jets are from New York City, though I don't think they ever play each other. The Bills are from Buffalo, NY, and their name is a reference to a guy who made a name for himself shooting tons of actual buffalos in the mid-west. The Cowboys are from Dallas. The Dolphins are from Miami. The Eagles are from Philadelphia. The Ravens are from Baltimore (and I only know that because of my interest in Edgar Allen Poe.) There's also the Rams, the Steelers, the Vikings, and the, um, Raiders, but I don't know where they're from. There might be a team called the Buccaneers, but that might be another sport. There seem to be a lot of shady characters in Football, and people always seem to be making terrible career moves by shooting themselves in the leg, participating in dog-fighting, or actually murdering people. Joe Namath was a football player, but I get the feeling that was a long time ago. Also, Dan Marino, who played for the Dolphins (thanks Ace Ventura!) And who could forget O. J. Simpson? There's some other people too, but I have a hard time remembering their names, despite the fact that some of them are called Plaxico and Bulger. Matt Bulger? It's something like that. There's a guy called Brett Favre whose last name is pronounced "Farv," and people talk about him like he's a super villain. I think it's because he kept retiring and then coming back to the game, but it might also be because he played for different teams. I'm not sure. The big championship game everyone is trying to get to is called the Super Bowl, which is always on a Sunday, and is usually when you can see a lot of interesting commercials. There's usually a pretty big act playing during the midway point of the game (half-time, yes?) There's also a Rose Bowl and a Sugar Bowl, but I don't know who plays in those, or why. There's also the puppy bowl, but that's just an excuse to watch cute dogs play with toys.

Golf: People attempt to put small white balls into holes in the ground on a very well manicured lawn. The less you have to swing at the ball, the better you are. People are always saying "golf is a game you play against yourself." Golf is a Scottish sport, and is usually played by affluent people. I think this is because you can only really play golf at a golf club, and the club probably needs to be fairly wealthy in order to afford the maintenance that a large series of well-groomed lawns requires. There are a lot of different clubs, with names like Five-Iron, but damned if I know what the difference is between them. I do know the putter is used to gently knock the ball into the hole when you've gotten that close, but it always seems like people are narrowly missing, and then the crowd groans. Speaking of crowds, you're supposed to keep quiet when you are watching golf. You can't heckle the players or cheer them on. Even when they win the response is usually pretty tame. I assume golf is a summer sport, since it has to be played outside, and I've never seen anyone contending with snow. Tiger Woods is golfer, and was once well-liked, but then he had an affair and his reputation suffered. There's also that guy, who I always want to called Jack Nicholson. You know who I mean, the guy who has a brand of half and half? Nicholas? Jack Nicholas? Is that right?

Hockey: Two teams attempt to put a hard disc (a "puck") into the opposing teams goal. With sticks. While skating on ice. Smashing into other players is allowed, sort of, but penalized. If you start fighting with another player, people won't break it up until one of you falls down. Since people are always being penalized and put into a sort of holding area, you can end up with teams that aren't the same size, giving one team a big advantage. As a result of all the violence, and the very real possibility of being hit in the face by the puck, Hockey players tend to have missing teeth. Wayne Gretsky was a hockey player. Syracuse's local team is called the Crunch, and our mascot is either a superhero wearing shades or a rabid panda that people call "the ice gorilla." I think I saw a game where the opposing team was called the Sea Barons, and their mascot was a shark wearing a top hat and monocle. I also saw a game that started off with a all-out brawl, much like the ending of Slap Shot. I kind of like hockey.

Horse-Racing: A bunch of really little guys race horses around a ellipse-shaped track, usually on horseback, but also sometimes in a little cart that the horse is pulling. To the best of my knowledge, only men ride the horses. Which seems odd, because you'd think women would be lighter than men. Although the men (called jockeys) are pretty small dudes. This sport is popular with gamblers, who have all sorts of different bets running on who is going to win, place, show, etc. Winning is self-explanatory, placing is coming in first and second, and showing is coming in first, second, or third. There's also "exotic" bets like trifectas and boxes, where you have to guess in what order the horses finish, and so on. Can you tell I've actually watched (and betted on) a few horse races in my life? Due to the gambling element, and the cost of competing, there's a lot of fishy stuff going on in horse racing, like guys purposely reining in their steeds, and drug use (both human and equine), and apparently all lot of the jockeys are more than a little rough around the edges. It's also bad news when a horse takes a fall during a race; usually, if they break a leg, the horse is put down. The big show in America is the Kentucky Derby, which is a pretty showy affair- people dress up in ascots and My Fair Lady style hats and all. The British have the Gold Cup, which a lot of people call Ascot, though I'm not really sure why. Famous race horses that I know the names of: Cigar, Seabiscuit, Man of War, and Secretariat. My mom really likes horse racing.

Soccer: Also called "Football" outside of the United States. The game involves two teams attempting to put a spotted ball into the opposing team's goal, which is a fairly large net with a frame. You are not allowed to use your hands, unless you're the goalie or are throwing the ball back into game from "out of bounds," so this generally involves a lot of footwork. It's a generally low scoring game, which Americans don't like, apparently. The rest of the world seems to be big fans of soccer. Every some odd years there's a championship game called the world cup that features teams representing countries. South American teams seem to be regarded as very good. Soccer fans are also notoriously violent, and people tend to get crushed to death during soccer riots. I don't know any soccer player's names, but I do know that women seem to find soccer players very attractive, so they've got that going for them.

Tennis: Two people knock a ball back and forth with racquets, over a net, trying to get it (the ball) to land somewhere in the other person's zone (?) at least once. Hitting the net, even just a bit, is a no-no, but I'm not sure what the penalty is for doing so. The scoring is really weird. Rather than just say, 3 to 1 or whatever, the judges call out things like "15-Love," and damned if I know what any of it means. It's probably because this sport is so ridiculously old, and it's some leftover scoring system from the Renaissance, or something. The gaming area is called a court, for likely the same reason. Tennis players, men and women both, seem to grunt or scream a lot during this sport, especially when they're hitting the ball. They also tend to get into heated arguments with the ref, who sits really high so he can see the game. Billie Jean King is a tennis player who once played against, and beat (I assume!) an unapologetic sexist male tennis player. There's also Maria Sharipova (sp?), who I mainly know for being blonde and attractive, and camera endorsing. There seem to be a lot of attractive female tennis players, actually. Oh, and Andre Agassi! Andre used to have super 80's hair, but then he shaved it all off, probably because he started going bald. I mainly know who he is due to a skit called Advantage Agassi from the Ben Stiller Show.

Bold Deduction Never Fails, That's For Certain

So, have you ever noticed how many fictional serial killers seem to be hyper-literate, to the point that they all feel the need to base their murders on the works of Chaucer, Shelley, or Marcus Aurelius? Just once I'd like to see the following:

Captain - So, let's recap gentlemen. What have we got so far?

Detective 1 - The first victim was killed during a hurricane, the second during a drag race.

Detective 2 - And the third was found cut apart by an industrial laser . . .

Beat Cop (bursting in) - Captain! Captain! A body's been found on an abandoned airstrip off of route 57. We're not sure but it look like he was decapitated by a propeller.

Detective 1 - Oh my god. It's Duck Tales. He's copying the theme song to Duck Tales!

Captain - Officer! I want every squad car we've got to head out to Miller's Pond right now! Heaven help us, I think we might just have a duck blur on our hands . . .

Buy My Book

Dear Everyone I Know,

So, I normally find self promotion to be rather distasteful, but I suppose in a post with the title "Buy My Book", there's really no way around it . . .

Here's the scoop: Though it will probably be at least a month or two before my book is available through Barnes and Noble, Amazon.com, etc., it is- as of TODAY- currently available (with a 10% discount!) through Lulu.com, the company that is handling the print-on-demand aspect of its publication. To find it just go to Lulu.com and type my name (or the title, Reynard the Fox) into the search engine and voila!, that's my book!

If you plan on picking it up, I highly recommend buying it through Lulu.com- it’s not only cheaper, but I also get a significantly larger slice of the revenue from the sale when B&N / Amazon aren’t involved. Also, be aware that the .99 cent version is only a file download, which I get one solitary cent of, and aren’t books more fun to read when you can hold them in your hand and turn pages, right? Right?

I imagine that my book may not be to everyone’s taste (there's a brief synopsis on lulu.com if you are curious), but even if you have no interest in fencing, fighting, torture, monsters, chases, escapes, etc. I still ask that you think about picking a copy up. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised, and even if- heaven forbid- you never read a word of it you will have helped me immensely by adding to my sales numbers. And, hey, you can always set it on your coffee table and smugly tell your friends that you know a published author . . .

One final request: if you do read and enjoy my book, please please please recommend it to other people. I can (and will) go to countless signings to help promote it, but ultimately word of mouth is the best way for this thing to get noticed. I’d love to get picked up by a larger imprint, but that’s not going to happen unless people I don't even know start buying it. So if you like it, please let someone else know!

Hope you enjoy it!

Sincerely,

Dave

Middle Earth 911

Dispatcher: 911. What is the nature the nature of your emergency?

Caller: They have taken the bridge . . . and the second hall . . .

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: We have barred the gates- but cannot hold them for long.

Dispatcher: Alright, sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: The ground shakes . . . drums in the deep . . . We cannot get out . . .

Dispatcher: Sir, are you trapped somewhere? Are you hurt? Has there been an earthquake?

Caller: A shadow moves in the dark.

Dispatcher: Sir, are you currently intoxicated?

Caller: We cannot get out . . .

Dispatcher: Are there other people there with you, sir?

Caller: They are coming.

Dispatcher: Who is coming? Sir? Sir? Hello?

(there is some sort of commotion on the other end of the line)

Caller: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!

Dispatcher: Sir, has someone been injured? Hello? Is anyone there?

Voice In the Background: Mr Frodo!

Dispatcher: Sir? Is that a member of your party?

Voice In the Background: Orcs!

Voice In the Background: Get back! Stay close to Gandalf!

Dispatcher: Sir, are you in any danger? Sir?

Voice In the Background: They have a cave troll!

Dispatcher: Alright, sir, we're ready to contact a deputy to send to your location- but I'm going to have to ask for-

Voice In Background: Let them come! There is one Dwarf in Moria that still draws breath!

(Line Goes Dead)

A patrol car was later sent to the Kazad-Dum, but despite obvious signs of a altercation between an adventuring band and a local gang of orcs, no signs of the caller or his companions has yet surfaced.

#1: Poltergeist (1982)

"They're here."

Babyboomer couple Steve and Diane Freeling (Craig T. Nelson and JoBeth Williams) seem to be living the American Dream: they have a nice suburban home, have three children and a dog, and are about to put in a brand new pool in their backyard. But five-year-old Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke), the Freeling's youngest child, has begun to act strangely- she talks to the television when it is displaying static, and after a mysterious earthquake that only the Freelings can feel she makes the odd announcement: "They're here."

Soon thereafter it becomes clear that there is something very odd going on in the Freeling's house: Spoons bend, glasses break, and chairs stack themselves neatly on the dining room table. At first Steve and Diane are merely puzzled by the strange phenomenon- but then Carol Anne disappears during a violent thunderstorm, and the Freelings begin to hear her voice talking to them from their television . . .

When I was compiling this list it didn't take me long to put Poltergeist at number one. Produced and partially story boarded by Stephen Spielburg and directed by Tobe Hooper (who's other notable work was 1974's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), the film is a unique mix of the these two director's sensibilities. There's a real feeling of wonder that pervades the piece, buoyed by the excellent score by Jerry Goldsmith, that can quickly degenerate into grotesque horror when necessary.

Poltergeist also obviously had a huge budget: I honestly can't think of a horror film that has as many unique set pieces as this, and all well before the advent of CGI. Most likely due to Spielburg, the movie has the feel of a wild theme park attraction (especially its explosive climax), making it a great companion piece to a popcorn film like Jaws. But for all of its crowd pleasing aspects, there's a far more interesting layer of complexity that makes it more than just a simple haunted house film.

First of all, I think its fairly interesting to note that the film plays heavily upon one of the subconscious fears of the baby-boomer generation: notably, will they make suitable parents? There are a lot of not-so-subtle elements to suggest this: the Freelings smoke pot while their kids are asleep, Diane switches the television from static to a violent war film to entertain Carol-Anne, and its implied that their teenage daughter, Dana (Dominque Dunne), is sexually promiscuous- and given that Diane is 32, Dana can't be that old, and yet has apparently spent a night at a nearby motel . . . I also find it hilarious that she has a hickey on her neck during the climax of the film. The fact that Carol-Anne is snatched from the Freelings while they are- understandably- otherwise occupied, mirrors the real fear of many parents of the era: child kidnappers. (I was born in 1978, so I actually was Carol-Anne's age when this came out, and I definitely remember the constant admonitions to never talk to strangers.) This makes the movie a trial by fire for the Freelings to prove their worth as parents, something which they do with flying colors.

The other element of the film that I find fascinating is that the title of the film itself is a ruse (lots of spoilers ahead.) This is not a film about a Poltergeist, it's a haunting brought on by incredibly pissed off spirits- and in this way I think the film is a very clever condemnation of the American Dream itself- the Freelings comfortable life is built entirely upon a graveyard- both literally and figuratively. In this way, it shares a lot of elements with the Shining, whose haunted hotel is filled with imagery of the Native American cultures that were destroyed to make way for Manifest Destiny, and I love the way the truth is visually hinted at throughout the film: the dog attempting to dig up the buried canary, the gaping pool, and the old jewelry that falls through the portal in the living room to name just a few.

Finally, I suppose I should talk briefly about the "Poltergeist Curse," a rumor that came about due to the fact that both Dominque Dunne and Heather O'Rourke died young- Dunne at 22, strangled to death by her jealous boyfriend, and O'Rourke of septic shock at 12. The "curse" supposedly also claimed the lives of some of the actors that worked on the sequels of Poltergeist, but seeing as these were men at least fifty years old, I think we can rule out the supernatural.

Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed this trip with me down memory lane! Perhaps someday down the road I'll post my top ten "feel good" films just to balance this one out . . . but don't hold your breath.

We now return you to your regular programming.

#2: The Exorcist (1973)

"Your mother's in here, Karras. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it . . . "

In an archeological dig near the ancient city of Nineveh (the demolished capitol of Assyria by the way, Monty Python and the Holy Grail fans), the elderly Father Lankester Merrin (Max von Sydow) comes across an odd find: a christian medallion depicting Mary and the baby Jesus (odd considering the pre-christian location) and a greenish stone amulet bearing the bestial head of Pazuzu, a Mesopotamian demon. Apparently taking this as a sign that something evil has been unearthed, and the power of the church is required to fight it, he takes leave of the dig and plans a trip back to the United States.

Meanwhile, the successful actress Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn) is in the process of filming in and around Georgetown University when she begins to worry about the strange behavior of her twelve-year-old daughter, Regan (Linda Blair), who complains that she can't sleep at night due to her bed shaking. Taking her to doctor after doctor to determine what is the matter with her, Regan's condition worsens considerably, and she begins to use foul language and lash out violently at others. Then there's the matter of the things science can't seem to explain: strange noises in the attic, considerable poltergeist activity, and the horrible sense that there actually is someone- or something- inside of Regan.

Scientific explanations seemingly exhausted, Chris MacNeil turns to Father Damien Karras, a young priest and psychiatrist working at Georgetown University. She believes only an exorcism will save her daughter, but Karras- his own faith shaken by the terminal illness of his mother- may not be the right man for the job . . .

The Exorcist, based on the novel by the same name by William Peter Blatty, is an exquisite film. It's expertly written, paced, and filmed, and manages to continuously up the ante- hard to do when you have an antagonist as outrageous as the demon possessing Regan MacNeil, but for all of its over-the-top moments director William Friedkin really knows when to reign back and let the mood do the work for him. Some of my favorite scares are the brief flashes you get of "Captain Howdy", Regan's no-so-nice imaginary friend, or the shadowy projections of Pazuzu staring at us from the bedroom walls . . . though I still jump every time Chris decides to investigate the attic (Would anyone in their right mind do this? Even if you think it's rats? I mean, listen to them lady!)

Speaking of Pazuzu, I think it's really interesting that most people assume that this is a film about the roman-catholic church versus the devil, especially given the fact that the film itself seems to grimly suggest the absence of both powers. Ironically, the actual Pazuzu (an Assyrian and Babylonian pseudo-deity) protected children- although mostly from his own wife, the monstrous Lamashtu, a child-killer who was very similar to the Mesopotamian demoness Lilith, except that she didn't have a gynocentric music festival named after her.

There's some great, great performances in this film- especially from Linda Blair- but if you take the time to watch some of the "making of" documentaries about The Exorcist you might start to wonder if the real villain of this film is actually its sadistic director, William Friedkin. Besides subtly changing the ending of the novel in such a way that makes you wonder if the demon got what it wanted all along, there's the endless stories of his apparent abuse of the actors: instigating back injuries suffered by Blair and Burstyn and using their actual pained screams in the audio track, filming Regan's bedchamber inside of a freezer, firing guns off to get startled reaction shots from actors, and (my favorite) striking the actor playing Father Dyer (the Reverend William O'Malley) across the face in order to shake him up for an important scene. I've heard of method actors . . . but method directors?

Now that's really scary.

Check back tomorrow for #1!