RenewYou, by BlackCastle

Tired of hiding wrinkles behind old-fashioned creams and ointments? Fed up with half-measures regarding your own impending mortality? Hi! I’m Tina, speaking to you today about an amazing new product from RenewYou, by BlackCastle. Every day, strangers walk up to me on the street and ask questions like, “Your skin is so clear, how do you have such a natural glow?” “Have you seen that weird basalt fortress on the hill?” and “Where is my family and what have you done with them? What have you done with their bodies?”

The answer to all of those questions is: Yes! Now, you too can recapture the bloom of youth without spending a fortune, and you can do it all now for the low, low, price of $9.99 per week, as well as slowly carting cadavers up to a growing citadel of darkness that most sane people would rather ignore than admit existed. It’s just that easy! But, hey, don’t take our word for it, just listen to our customers:

“RenewYou made me feel like a twenty-year-old again!”

- Sarah, 56

“What century are these pure silver coins from, and why do they burn to the touch?”

- Catherine, 61

“I used to worry about my T-Zone, but now I wake up every day feeling confident that I’m looking great and don’t have to worry about Vanessa from accounting any more, and oh god, oh god, I can still remember her screams.”

- Julie, 46

Act now, and you’ll receive two “Forever Young” coffee mugs, an attractive emerald-eyed serpent pendant, a RenewYou tote-bag, and a sliver of the left arm of Skindancer, one of the ten dread sorcerers whose final remains lie buried somewhere beneath the ruins of the drowned city of Mu.

Ask your doctor today if RenewYou is right for you! (Offer not available where prohibited.)