Have you ever been walking through the mall and stopped to
wonder why anyone would willingly name a clothing store after an unstable
country, largely dependent on a limited-resource and ruled over by a corrupt
kleptocracy?
Said store.
Did the original founders of the Banana Republic want us to associate
their products with the labor of oppressed masses supporting wealthy
plutocrats? Or did they merely want to
sell us exotic travel-themed clothing and had already rejected Heart of
Darkness as a brand name option? We may never
know.
The horror . . . The horror . . .
A pretty good assumption is that this was the result of the
simple equation of horrible things + time = who gives a rat’s ass, and it’s
hard not to see examples of it every day if you know where to look. Examples such as . . .
Fictional Greeks
Need to get out the toughest stains? Reach for Ajax, because he’s stronger than
dirt! Looking for some fine jewelry /
free internet radio? You can always reward your
curiosity at Pandora! Need an appropriate name
for your sports team / brand of condoms? Can’t go
wrong with those tough Trojans!
Or you can. Go wrong, that is. Because, dear reader, all of the above figures from Greek Mythology have some seriously
screwed up implications attached to them when you think about it.
To begin with, while both of the Greek warriors named Ajax may
have been famed for their strength, one of them was also mostly known for
the rape he committed during the sack of Troy.
In a temple. With a
priestess. Who had taken a vow of
chastity. Basically, the guy raped a
nun.
Ajax: Stronger Than Nuns
But hey, maybe they mean the other Ajax! You know, the one who was famous for heroically falling
on his own sword due to the fact that he couldn't live with the shame of trying to
kill his own comrades when a choice suit of armor was awarded to Odysseus
rather than to him.
Granted, the man does look like he could use a pair of
pants.
Pandora? Before she
was hawking jewelry or online music, she was unleashing all of the evils in
the world on humanity due to her own insatiable curiosity. Just in case you didn't catch that the first
time, there is an actual store that sells jewelry one might ostensibly give as a gift that decided it would be a good idea to name itself after a figure best known for giving mankind the gift that keeps on giving: Horrific misery.
"A lifetime of suffering? Oh, honey, how did you know?"
And the Trojans?
Well, first you might want to reflect on the fact that they were on the losing side of the
fictional war they were fighting in, after the enemy snuck into their city
while hiding inside of a giant wooden horse that they were stupid enough to
accept at face value. That’s bad enough
of an image for a sports team, but for a condom company? Let's just say there's a reason we also name
malicious computer viruses after mythological wooden horses . . .
Trojan Condoms: They’ll Never See You Coming.
And then there's the . . .
Actual Greeks
Given the somewhat recent popularity of the film
300, modern culture tends to view the Spartans as a bunch of bad-ass macho men
who fought for democracy and could kill their foes with their abs.
The reality? Well, yes, they were considered to be a fearsome force to face on the battlefield, and records of their methods of training would make members of the French Foreign Legion feel like they got off easy by comparison . . . But they
were also slave owning pederasts who threw babies into chasms if they deemed them to be weak. That might make them a good candidate as mascots for a particularly twisted branch of NAMBLA (the North American Man / Boy Love Association), but it does make you wonder why so many hyper-masculine Sport Teams are eager to associate themselves with them.
Believing that the Spartans were a force that defended human freedom is tantamount to being under the impression that the Southern Confederacy was fighting for exactly the same reason during The American Civil War. The Spartans entire way of life was both supported and created by their enslavement of their own neighbors, the Messenians, who labored in the fields in order to free up the Spartans for a lifetime of harsh military training. Training that was only necessary due to the fact that they had to cow a population that outnumbered themselves three to one. Consider the fact that, in reality, the 300 Spartans that fell to the Persian army were in the company of 600 of their slaves, who had been brought along to help groom and armor their masters. The film might as well have been called 900.
And, like many ancient Greek cultures, the Spartans considered pederasty (a homosexual relationship between an adult male and a pubescent or adolescent male) to be the highest form of love. Much like the Sacred Band of Thebes, a fighting force made up entirely of paired lovers, the Spartans reasoned that accepting homosexuality within the same fighting unit would increase morale, esprit de corps, and ensure (ahem) a tight phalanx.
And let's not forget that they practiced what can only be called the World's first well documented Eugenics program. Seriously, this one alone should be more than enough reason to give any organization pause. The Spartans: People from the past that seem like they've stepped out of a science fiction novel? Yes. People we should emulate and name kid's
sports organizations after? Probably not.
"TONIGHT, WE DINE AT CHILI'S!"
"Good game." "Yes, good game."
Believing that the Spartans were a force that defended human freedom is tantamount to being under the impression that the Southern Confederacy was fighting for exactly the same reason during The American Civil War. The Spartans entire way of life was both supported and created by their enslavement of their own neighbors, the Messenians, who labored in the fields in order to free up the Spartans for a lifetime of harsh military training. Training that was only necessary due to the fact that they had to cow a population that outnumbered themselves three to one. Consider the fact that, in reality, the 300 Spartans that fell to the Persian army were in the company of 600 of their slaves, who had been brought along to help groom and armor their masters. The film might as well have been called 900.
"Is anyone else smelling a gritty reboot? Guys?"
"Have you ever considered a career in the military?"
"Faster, dammit! The last ten kids to finish the race get thrown into the chasm!"
Speaking of terrible people . . .
Pirates
Ah, pirates. Those lovable, murderous, Spam-loving, pillaging rapists that fill our hearts with glee. Whether you are trying to make people laugh in the Sunday paper, or are hoping to win the Super Bowl, you can't go wrong with nautical brigands.
Now, granted, most members of professional football teams with names like Buccaneers, Raiders, Vikings, etc. tend to leave out the pillaging aspect of the trade, but imagine if their mascots were not the cartoon variety of pirate and were in fact the AK-47 toting variety and the whole concept gets a lot less cute.
And it's not like the historical pirates were any better than their modern day counterparts. If anything, they were worse. After all, you generally don't hear current accounts of Somali pirates landing in, say, India, sacking temples, killing and raping indiscriminatly, and then returning home to brag about it around the hearth. In fact, actual casualties in modern piracy are laughably low by comparison, with most of the deaths caused by over zealous security personnel overestimating the strength of their attackers. That's right, most of the deaths caused by modern piracy are those of the pirates themselves.
But, I guess I can understand wanting to be feared, especially when you're trying to promote a luxury cruise service that revisits many of the former sites of piratical atrocities.
"Look at me. I'm the captain now."
Now, granted, most members of professional football teams with names like Buccaneers, Raiders, Vikings, etc. tend to leave out the pillaging aspect of the trade, but imagine if their mascots were not the cartoon variety of pirate and were in fact the AK-47 toting variety and the whole concept gets a lot less cute.
"'Ello, Poppet."
And it's not like the historical pirates were any better than their modern day counterparts. If anything, they were worse. After all, you generally don't hear current accounts of Somali pirates landing in, say, India, sacking temples, killing and raping indiscriminatly, and then returning home to brag about it around the hearth. In fact, actual casualties in modern piracy are laughably low by comparison, with most of the deaths caused by over zealous security personnel overestimating the strength of their attackers. That's right, most of the deaths caused by modern piracy are those of the pirates themselves.
"Amateurs."
Is it true that if you upgrade to the Explorer Suite, you get to shoot a guy in the face with Laura Linney?
And while we're on the subject of atrocities . . .
Native Americans
Before I get into this, I want to make it absolutely clear that I have nothing against the indigenous peoples of the Americas.
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And, I will admit, that of all of these categories, this is the one that has gained the most national attention as being potentially disrespectful when organizations, particularly sports teams, have names like The Chiefs, The Redskins, and The Braves. I suppose part of me can almost believe the explanation that team names derived from indigenous peoples are meant to respect the bravery and skill of said people . . . though the fact that more than a few of them are called The Savages does kind of put a damper on that argument. Whatever the case may be, I thought I'd touch on another subject: The use of Native Americans in advertising.
I mean, does anyone else find it more than a little macabre that so many everyday items utilize images of Native Americans as part of their packaging? Is there another part of the world where the systematic depopulation of a continent was followed up by the people at least tangentially responsible for said depopulation slapping depictions of the victims onto packets of butter? And then folding said packets so that it looks like we can see their boobs?
Most of them, at any rate.
And, I will admit, that of all of these categories, this is the one that has gained the most national attention as being potentially disrespectful when organizations, particularly sports teams, have names like The Chiefs, The Redskins, and The Braves. I suppose part of me can almost believe the explanation that team names derived from indigenous peoples are meant to respect the bravery and skill of said people . . . though the fact that more than a few of them are called The Savages does kind of put a damper on that argument. Whatever the case may be, I thought I'd touch on another subject: The use of Native Americans in advertising.
"Nothings says quality like a race that we legitimately tried to wipe off the face of the planet. Now with Easy-Measure Lid!"
I mean, does anyone else find it more than a little macabre that so many everyday items utilize images of Native Americans as part of their packaging? Is there another part of the world where the systematic depopulation of a continent was followed up by the people at least tangentially responsible for said depopulation slapping depictions of the victims onto packets of butter? And then folding said packets so that it looks like we can see their boobs?
I'm guessing no.
There's been plenty of genocides over the course of human history, but I honestly can't think of another one so massive in scale and successful in practice that the descendants of the perpetrators could actually feel sentimental about its victims centuries later. And, even if you aren't distantly related to someone who was in some part responsible for the mass murder, rape, and enslavement of the original inhabitants of the country you live in, you still have to admit that it's more than a little weird. Imagine if, years after the Rwandan genocide, you could buy soft drinks or cigarettes with images of smiling, noble looking Tutsis on them? In Rwanda.
"Tutsi Brand: Helping you to relax after a long day of piling human skulls."
But even that kind of pales in comparison to . . .
The Devil
Are you trying to market your booze? Hot tobassco sauce? A delicious blend of orange juice, milk, sugar, ice,
and vanilla? Do you want to infer that your brand of vacuum cleaner is capable of
possession? Do you need to let people know that
the eggs they are about to eat are going to be zesty?
If your answer was yes to any of the above, feel free to adhere the image of Satan, the Prince of Darkness onto your canned meat spread and start watching the dollars roll in.
Listen, we all know that using the devil as a mascot has become pretty common place by now, to the point that no one bats an eye at the practice, but this is the fucking Devil we’re talking about, one of the most recognized symbols of evil in the entire world. There isn't a major religion on the planet that doesn't have some sort of concept of a demonic figure who personifies all of the negative aspects of the human condition. And it really hasn't been all that long since being accused of being associated with the guy could get you burned at the stake, hanged, or, at the very least, imprisoned. Did you know that in 1944, Helen Duncan became the last person to be imprisoned under the British Witchcraft Act of 1735? Yes, you read that right. Nineteen forty four.
The crazy thing is, people started using the Devil as a mascot long before people stopped generally believing that the Devil was a real thing that we should be horribly afraid of. Hell (pun intended), there are still plenty of people who believe that the Devil is a real force of evil in the world, and yet here the guy is, grinning at us like he's just this lovable scamp up to his old tricks.
I mean, really, imagine traveling a hundred years into the future and finding out that Joseph Stalin, a man whose regime can be linked to the deaths of up to 50 million human lives (and that's not including the casualties of the second World War), has somehow managed to become a cutesy mascot that gets slapped onto things in order to communicate that the product is tough.
I mean, we might as well just start having Hitler peddle anti-stress tea.
Oh, wait. That already happened . . .
What rough hors d'oeuvre, it's hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be eaten at a family picnic?
If your answer was yes to any of the above, feel free to adhere the image of Satan, the Prince of Darkness onto your canned meat spread and start watching the dollars roll in.
Behold, the sandwich of the Great Deceiver.
Listen, we all know that using the devil as a mascot has become pretty common place by now, to the point that no one bats an eye at the practice, but this is the fucking Devil we’re talking about, one of the most recognized symbols of evil in the entire world. There isn't a major religion on the planet that doesn't have some sort of concept of a demonic figure who personifies all of the negative aspects of the human condition. And it really hasn't been all that long since being accused of being associated with the guy could get you burned at the stake, hanged, or, at the very least, imprisoned. Did you know that in 1944, Helen Duncan became the last person to be imprisoned under the British Witchcraft Act of 1735? Yes, you read that right. Nineteen forty four.
A woman who was clearly in league with Lucifer.
The crazy thing is, people started using the Devil as a mascot long before people stopped generally believing that the Devil was a real thing that we should be horribly afraid of. Hell (pun intended), there are still plenty of people who believe that the Devil is a real force of evil in the world, and yet here the guy is, grinning at us like he's just this lovable scamp up to his old tricks.
This stuff pairs well with scrambled eggs! Hail Satan!
I mean, really, imagine traveling a hundred years into the future and finding out that Joseph Stalin, a man whose regime can be linked to the deaths of up to 50 million human lives (and that's not including the casualties of the second World War), has somehow managed to become a cutesy mascot that gets slapped onto things in order to communicate that the product is tough.
50 Million Human Lives Snuffed Out Tough
I mean, we might as well just start having Hitler peddle anti-stress tea.
Oh, wait. That already happened . . .
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