Citicisms of the Lord of the Rings Film Trilogy - Part Three

PART THREE - THE RETURN OF THE KING

When I was a literally two years old Rankin/Bass, an animation company probably best remembered for its stop motion animation version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (and for the snow miser/heat miser, Thundercats, and the film of the Last Unicorn), produced a version of the Return of the King which I must have seen about a hundred times since. The main reason that I mention it is that, though its only about an hour and a half long, and a somewhat simplified version of the story, it manages to get in just about all of the important plot points covered by Peter Jackson's film of the same name, plus things that got cut from Jackson's three hour (plus change) movie. Rankin/Bass gets it all in, and still has time for orcs singing songs to a disco beat.

So to all of the critics out there who might read my review and say: "But Jackson must have needed to make these cuts," go ahead and watch the Rankin/Bass version and tell me with a straight face that Peter Jackson didn't have enough time to tell all these stories.

I mentioned in my review of the Two Towers that the entire ending of the Two Towers was chopped off, but I didn't realize how much Return of the King would suffer from this decision until I saw it. I have to admit that this was the Lord of the Rings film that made me stop believing that Peter Jackson and company had any idea what they were doing, but of course it won a million oscars and made a ton of money so it must be great, right? Read on, dear reader, read on...

- So the Weta digital team can make me believe in a fucking troll, but it can't create a convincing scene of a hobbit being dragged underwater by a large fish? What gives?

- Is this really the proper place for Gollum's origin story? These scenes are meant to remind us the seductive powers of the one ring, but do we really need reminding by this point? And, though I like them, I'd rather have seen them earlier in the series, possibly in the Two Towers, if at all.

- Frodo says that the days are growing darker as they exit the culvert they have been sleeping in, but are they? More on this when I discuss the the light conditions during the siege of Gondor.

- The character of Saruman is arguably the villain who we come to know the most through the story, and to merely cut him right out of film with a throw away line is a travesty, especially since they had cast the perfect man to play the corrupted wizard, Christopher Lee. The sequence in which Theoden, Gandalf and the Fellowship are tempted by Saruman's magical voice (his most insidious power according to Gandalf,) and Grima throws the palantir at the heroes (which is, of course, why it is sitting in the water in front of tower) needed to appear at the end of The Two Towers. And even if it didn't, I can't believe they basically wrote Saruman out of the film with the throw away line: "No. He has no power anymore."

- The scene in which Gollum reestablishes his plan to have Shelob kill the Hobbits, both wastes our time and insults our ability to remember the last film. And, I don't know, can't the film makers try to surprise us for a change? Put us in Frodo and Sam's shoes, so to speak?

- Speaking of stuff that's not in the books, I hate hate hated the whole Frodo turns against Sam plot-line. Frodo and Sam have one "fight" in the books, and this is due to the power of the ring over Frodo. And guess what? Gollum has literally nothing to do with it. He doesn't sprinkle crumbs on Sam and accuse him of stealing food. We're already behind, Jackson, lets just get to the real events of the book!

- Okay. This one just baffles me. There is ONE place in the books where Sauron "appears" and that is when Pippin looks into the Palantir against Gandalf's wishes. Sauron actually speaks through Pippin, briefly possessing him. Doesn't this sound over the top, and like a good opportunity to see the villain of the piece actually doing something besides being on fire? But no, what do we get? One: Super slow motion. Two: The same damn lines from the Fellowship of the Ring film ("I see you.") And Three: The pointless Pippin seeing a piece of Sauron's plan subplot. Guys, we don't need to see inside Sauron's mind to know that he's going to attack Gondor. He, and his minions, have been trying to crush the place for thousands of years. If he's going to conquer all of middle earth, Gondor is literally in his way. Of course he's going to attack Gondor! Plus, if you really wanted to put in the whole nazgul on a fellbeast going after a hobbit scene that appeared at the end of the film of Two Towers, it would be so much better if it was in reaction to Sauron's erroneous belief that Pippin is the hobbit who is carrying the ring. Something very similar even happens in the book, though Gandalf assures Pippin that even the nazgul would take a long time to arrive all the way from Mordor. It all fits so well, I can't imagine why they didn't use it so that the end of Two Towers could have been: We see Sauron through Pippin's eyes, nazgul comes after Pippin and is fought off, Gollum abandons Frodo and Sam, Shelob, Sam abandons Frodo thinking that he's dead, finding out he's not and is on the wrong side of an iron gate, BAM, end of movie.

- Another flashback of Isildur while the broken Narsil is being reforged into Anduril. I remember someone in the theater even saying: "Alright, already! We get it!"

- Arwen is dying? Dying? Dying for no good reason other than the growing power of Sauron? And tied to the fate of the ring? What the fuck is this? Isn't there enough at stake already? I guess fucking not.

- We flashback to Boromir becoming a human pincushion as Pippin remembers him in Denethor's chamber. I think its safe to assume that people who saw the first movie will remember this moment. Especially since Boromir is the only member of the fellowship who actually dies!

- Okay, so we get Haradrim, and a brief shot of Corsairs in this film, but what about the cool looking Easterlings that marched into the Black Gate in the Two Towers? Were they all executed for their incredible inability not to spot things that are right in front of them? Actually, you can see them very briefly, in the background, during the siege of Minas Tirith, but its literally a shot that's under two seconds. Of all of the "evil, dark skinned men" minions of Sauron, these guys clearly got the best costumes. Seems like a waste to me.

- We flashback to the Lord of the Nazgul yet AGAIN when Gandalf brings him up to Pippin. Why don't you trust our ability to remember things, Peter? Why?

- In the books, Denethor is desperate for Rohan to come to their aid, and does not hesitate to light the beacons which will signal their need. He even sends a messenger bearing a symbolic emblem of their alliance (a red arrow.) For some reason, though, this film Denethor is an even bigger dick than Theoden was in the last film, and we never know why. And sure, Denethor is a pseudo villain of the books, but he's no fool. He's not really ready to hand over Gondor to Aragorn, true, but in the beginning he's willing to defend his city. Yet as the siege goes on he loses hope and decides to do himself in. And do you want to know why? Well, the answer is this: He has a palantir of his own, a seeing stone like Sarumans. And in it he has seen a vision of black ships coming up the river which leads to the edge of the Pelennor Fields. He doesn't know that these ships will contain Aragorn, the true king, so he thinks that the battle is pointless. Plus, his son is dying. So he's really more a sympathetic figure in the book, one who you could understand people following. Here we don't know about the Palantir, so we just get this cardboard cut out villain that we feel no pity for. Its a shame.

- Why does Pippin have to scale a mountain to light the beacons? After all, Gandalf literally rode all the way up to the top level of Minas Tirith without stopping to ask permission. Apparently he's got the run of the place. This sequence, like so many others, wastes precious time.

- Gothmog is the second in command of the Mordor army in the books, and briefly takes command of the host after the death of the Lord of the Nazgul. Its not really clear in the book if he's even an orc, or if he's an evil human, or what, because there's only one sentence devoted to him in the book. One sentence. So, why in the world would you decide to forgo using the Lord of the Nazgul as the motivating force of the Mordor army, and instead focus on a guy who is essentially a glorified mook to the big guy. Its like focusing on the comings and goings of Admiral Piett rather than Darth Vader. Such a weird decision. And also, after building this guy up for so long during the film, could we at least see him die? For all I know, Gothmog is might be lying on a beach on the coast of Far Harad, sipping on a rum cocktail.

- Peter Jackson's kids make their third and final appearance watching Faramir going off on his suicide mission, spoiling the great mood of this scene for me totally. Oh, hey, there's those guys again. So distracting.

- False death rears its head again: Faramir goes off to his death... Or does he?

- On top of being a dick, Denethor is apparently a really messy eater. I'd think the steward of Gondor would at least be able to use a knife to eat his food, and would chew with his mouth closed.

- The books Aragorn, in an effort to distract Sauron into striking a clumsy first blow, uses Saruman's palantir in the books to reveal himself to the dark lord. I think this would have been something cool to leave in, and it would show you that Aragorn wasn't just a mere ranger. Whatever, he's still got to be all emo about being king.

- Legolas says that the dead men of Dunharrow swore an oath to the last king of Gondor. Actually the oath was to Isildur (cue flashback of Isildur), to fight with the Last Alliance of Elves and Men. The real last king of Gondor, Earnur, foolishly accepted a personal challenge to fight the lord of the nazgul and lost.

- Eowyn's disguise is total shit. I would have liked for them to try and surprise us with her presence, as it is handled in the books. I mean, sure, you know its probably her, but in the film its so obviously her that's it ridiculous.

- This is going to seem like a nitpick, but bear with me. The entire siege of Gondor seems like its takes place during a sunny, slightly overcast day, except for the portions of it that take place at night. But, hey, do you know what orcs hate? Light! They literally have a hard time seeing in the stuff. That's why the Uruk-Hai, who can travel by daylight, are so frightening to Elrond and Gandalf in the first film. And its also why the Sauron of the books literally uses his power to cover Minas Tirith in a cloud of darkness. Not complete darkness, mind, but dark enough that the sky should have looked like a giant bruise. The Rankin Bass Return of the King has a perfect sky color for the siege of Gondor. Its obviously not night but its very clearly dark out. This little detail really ruined a lot of the feel of this siege for me, and since its my favorite part of the books, I was let down.

- Denethor would never tell his soldiers to abandon their posts. He might tell them to go forth and fight, and win for a day, and that it was better to die sooner than later, but he would not say: "Abandon your posts! Flee!"

- Minas Tirith seems pretty damn fragile. The first blocks of stone that hit it literally smash huge chunks out of it. Was it pasted together with Elmer's glue or something?

- Gandalf would never strike Denethor down with his staff. He's just not like that. This part is total shit.

- First of all, Minas Tirith has access to trebuchets, which are just too modern of a siege weapon for my tastes (pre-history remember?) Second of all, they are shooting pieces of the city back at the Mordor host? Don't they have their own fucking ammunition? Or was the city being super breakable part of the general battle plan?

- Grond, the wolf headed battering ram named after the mace of Sauron's old boss Morgoth, doesn't really look like a siege weapon here. Its too ornate and pretty almost. I feel bad that they're beating it against the door. I feel bad for the battering ram, not the door. Shouldn't it be the opposite way around? The Rankin Bass Grond on the other hand looks fucking bad ass, and seems as though its core is filled with lava. Check out The Breaking of the Gate on Youtube.com if you don't believe me. Yeah, its a weird anime version of ROTR with really bizarre looking orcs, trolls and people, but I still like its tone better than the Jackson film.

- Considering how long we've been waiting to see Shelob the giant spider (one movie late, even,) couldn't they have done a better job on the actual Shelob reveal? Its really fake looking, and I prefer the subtle reveal in the books in which all Frodo AND Sam (who never abandoned him) can see is hundreds of eyes staring at them from out of the darkness. Now that's creepy, and it makes a better visual than a spider rearing up on its back legs. This isn't just some random giant spider: Its a spider demon, the last child of the queen of all spiders. Treat it with more weight.

- After the initial escape from Shelob it is Sam who fights with Gollum, not Frodo. Frodo's not really the fighting type anymore, really. This is important because it is because of this fight that Sam is unable to help Frodo before he's been stung by Shelob. More on this later!

- False Death number ten: Gollum, in a fight with Frodo, falls down a seemingly bottomless pit. This never happens. In the books, Sam fights Gollum off, and he disappears until the next book. I'd only like to see Gollum fall to his death once per epic series, okay? And I think, maybe, just maybe, we should wait for the climax of the film for this to happen.

- You know, for a guy with really small legs, Pippin does an awful lot of running up and down the citadel of Minas Tirith. Then again, he also can scale a freaking mountain without breaking a real sweat, so maybe he's just got a lot of natural climbing endurance.

- Hey its the eleventh false death of the series: Frodo gets stung by Shelob! In the books you really are led to believe that Frodo has died. A huge, huge moment. But guess what? After the ten false deaths of major characters in the films leading up to this moment I'm just not buying it anymore. Not only that, those overblown deaths make this one seem trite. A real travesty.

- Okay, Sam learns that Frodo is alive, and he has to rescue him from an orc infested tower! Check your watches: Yes, its 154 minutes into the film of the Return of the King, and we've finally wrapped up Frodo and Sam's plot-line from the Two Towers. Boy, look at the time, I wonder how we're going to fit in everything that happens to Frodo and Sam once they actually break into Mordor? You know, the plot of the Return of the King? Oh, that's right, we can't, because we wasted too much time building up plots that aren't in the books. Oh, well, better luck next time. Wait, there probably won't be a next time? Oops.

- I commend the scene with Theoden's speech leading up to the charge of the Rohirrim on the Mordor host, its truly epic, but how could you follow that up by cutting away from the battle. Excuse me, I'd like to actually see the epic battle that we've been building up this whole movie? What, did they think it would be boring?

- Are you telling me that a man on fire could run from the rear of the citadel (which is where the tombs are located) to the front of it, all the way to the end of the "ship's prow" style outcropping and throw himself off? Its so ridiculous, and is also the nail in the coffin of Denethor being treated with respect by the authors of the film. Is there anyone who doesn't see this and want to laugh at it? I shouldn't laugh at the tragic death of a misguided ruler, right? Right?

- There's a moment, before the Southrons on their mumakil (big elephants) arrive where it seems as though the Rohirrim have cleared the field of the entire Mordor host, a force that outnumbers them to the tune of something like 100,000 against 6,000. Think the movie 300 for an easy comparison of the numbers. Did the Rohirrim kill all of those orcs in one charge? There don't even seem to be that many bodies on the field, or any at all for that matter. I've always pictured this as a completely insane battle in which the good guys were clearly better fighters than the vast majority of the Mordor forces, but could fall anyways just by dint of the fact that one man can't block ten opponents all at once, and that there would never be a point at which you were really "safe" so to speak: You'd always be fighting, for literally a day. Okay, granted, they are setting us up for the mumakil charge sequence here, but the truth is that the mumakil were already spread out across the battlefield. And what about the Southron cavalry? Theoden killing a Haradrim king? Not cool enough for you, Jackson?

- Gandalf and Pippin await their deaths and discuss the nature of the afterlife. Hmmm, first of all, shouldn't these two be fighting rather than cowering behind a door from a troll and a bunch of orcs? And, secondly, there are different afterlives in Middle Earth. If you're an elf, or a angelic spirit like Gandalf, then death isn't really death. You basically get resurrected, world of warcraft style, in the Undying Lands to the West, which are impossible to reach if you're not immortal (unless, like Bilbo, Frodo and, eventually, Sam, you were a bearer of the One Ring, and have the sponsorship of high up immortals like Galadriel, Gandalf, Elrond, etc.) And in a way, the elves get the short stick in Tolkein's mythology. They live forever, but only as long as the earth exists. When it goes, they go. But when men die, and go on to the true afterlife, which is pretty much supposed to be the Judeo-Christian heaven. I'm not sure where hobbits fit in, but my assumption was always that hobbits eventually interbred with men until they became a part of the British racial stock. So, I assume that the Undying Lands that Gandalf is describing are the ones that he will be going to, not Pippin. Thanks for the comfort, movie Gandalf.

- Theoden's death, like just about every dramatic moment of the films, is accompanied by super slow motion.

- Eowyn versus the Lord of the Nazgul. I've been looking forward to this moment since I saw it as a kid in that Rankin Bass cartoon. It is, for my money, the best part of the third book. Its so cool, it doesn't seem possible to screw it up. So congrats, Jackson, for making me realize that: Yes, you can screw this moment up. Royally. Here's how to do it: First, don't have Eowyn reveal that she's a woman before the fight. Very important. You want to have her reveal this information in a great "girl power" moment right before stabbing the Lord of the Nazgul. Second, make Eowyn a complete panty waist, who doesn't seem like she could fight her way out of a paper bag. Third, get rid of that pesky fell beast as quick as possible. Wouldn't want it to seem like a credible threat or anything. Fourth, bigger is always better, so make sure the Nazgul lord has a flail the head of which is bigger than a human torso. Fifth, make sure that the Lord of the Nazgul has been kept out of the picture until this moment. Don't, you know, have him face down Gandalf and be on the cusp of killing him, thus showing that he's actually tougher than a Balrog. That might be too much like the book. And, again, we don't want our villains to seem like credible threats. This is important because: Sixth, you need to make certain that the Lord of the Nazgul can be crippled by a strike from behind from a hobbit, rather than just momentarily distracted by it. If he's not crippled, how will Eowyn ever have time to say: "I am no man!" But I almost forgot the seventh way to screw this scene up: Cut away from it. Oh, and when you do cut away to the moment that turns the tide of the battle for good, the arrival of Aragorn and company. Hey Eowyn, why not just sprint away from the Lord of the Nazgul? After all, the invincible army of the dead has arrived!

- Speaking of the invincible army of the dead: Why the hell are they present at this battle? Doesn't Peter Jackson realize that their presence robs our heroes of their actual heroics? I mean, why would you even fight if you had a unbeatable army on your side, sweeping across the battlefield? And yet, there our heroes are, chopping orcs down as undead specters wipe out entire battalions within seconds. Legolas even goes to all of that trouble taking down a mumakil single handed, and what for? Right after he's killed it you can even see another mumakil being dragged down to its death by the undead host within less time and with less fuss. This battle was meant to be a hard won victory, not a cake walk. Ask yourself, what's more epic? The gates of Minas Tirith are broken, the Witch King is about to kill Gandalf and then the Rohirrim show up, slug it out for most a day, culminating in the death of the Nazgul Lord. This disheartens the Mordor host, until they see Black Ships coming up to join them. The tide turns, and our heroes seem as though they will be overwhelmed, and then it turns out its Aragorn, flying his kingly banner, leaping off of the ship with Legolas, Gimli, Elrond's two bad ass sons and a handful of tough ranger dudes, and they manage to fight their way to where the Rohirrim are, and turn the tide of the battle just enough so that the Mordor forces flee. Or, we just have an invisible army of the undead come in and clean house. No fuss, no muss. Its definitely one of the worst things about this film.

- If you lived through the era when Lord of the Rings first became popular, you probably are familiar with the following line from the book: "Frodo lives." It was common graffiti during the 70's, somewhat akin to "Kilroy Was Here." The line is spoken by Samwise, and is tied into another one the great moments from the books. Frankly, its the best example of how the One Ring works on the minds of even simple folk like Sam. Frodo is trapped in Cirith Ungol, and Sam now has the One Ring and Sting. There doesn't seem to be any hope of rescuing Frodo, and it is at this point that the Ring begins to tempt him, causing him to start to proceed into Mordor alone, abandoning Frodo, and eventually culminating in him having a delusion of grandeur akin to that of Galadriel or Boromir. With the ring's power, he thinks, he could become Samwise the Strong, and throw down the dark tower. But then his simple hobbit sense brings him back from his vision, and he realizes that all he needs are a garden, and his own two hands, not the hands of others to command. "Frodo lives." He turns around, determined now to try and rescue Frodo. In the movie we instead get the plot line about crumbs sprinkled on Sam's cloak, and the "share the load" scene culminating in Sam abandoning Frodo because he was told to "go away." Which one sounds better to you?

- Due to time restrictions we lose the scene in which Samwise must use the phial of Galadriel to force his way past a wall of magical force created by two demonic statutes (called merely the watchers in the book.) You can see them, briefly, in the film: A pair of three headed vulture headed monsters lurking on either side of the entrance to Cirith Ungol which Samwise runs right past.

- We also lose Samwise's search for Frodo within the tower, a scene that's played mainly for laughs in the film, with a bunch of Uruk-Hai mistaking Sam's shadow for a giant warrior. Mordor is supposed to be an intimidating place, and shouldn't be used as a source of humor. We also miss out on the interesting interplay between few remaining orcs in the tower, but hey, we've got to wrap this movie up!

- After Sam kills Shagrat, (who survives in the books by the way, taking Frodo's mithril shirt, elven cloak and the sword that Sam left with him in place of Sting to Barad-dur, more on this missing plot line later) Frodo is thankful, but despairs that the ring has been lost, and that the quest has failed. He's literally crushed. Here, Frodo just seems mildly disappointed.

- So, Sam's just gone through a whole lot of trouble, risking his own life numerous times, to rescue Frodo, and what happens next? In the book, Frodo loses it when Sam suggests helping to carry the ring (the book's equivalent of the "share the load" scene in the film), and FOR THE FIRST TIME, begins to display the qualities of Gollum. Its really quite effective, especially because its totally unexpected. By the time we get to this in the film, however, Frodo's already lost it about five or six times, and in fact they don't even play this scene as a major freak out.

- Sauron loses a little more credibility when it is revealed in this film that his gaze acts as a search light. Maybe if it moved a little slower it would be more menacing, but here it just seems kind of silly. Also, Sauron really should shroud the Dark Tower with some cloud cover so that his eye isn't just hanging out there. See my thoughts on the treatment of Sauron in the posting on The Fellowship of the Ring.

- Mordor is filled with armies, but I doubt they'd be camped all across the entire Gorgoroth plateau. And isn't it ridiculous that Frodo and Sam arrive here just in time to see them marching north to the Black Gate? This diversion does help Frodo and Sam, but the way its treated here is way too convenient.

- Gone is the moment in the books when an Uruk and a smaller archer orc are seen by Frodo and Sam searching for them. It is through these orcs that they learn that Gollum is still lurking around somewhere, and that the Lord of the Nazgul has been slain. It also tells us a lot about the way that the culture of mordor works, and that without the fear of superiors the orcs would quickly kill each other over petty arguments.

- Frodo and Sam wear orc garb as disguises, but in the films they don't wear them for long. In the book they get picked up by an orc regiment heading to the Black Gate and are forced to march for a day. This puts a ton of strain on Frodo, who's bearing the even growing weight of the ring. They escape only because of the ever present infighting between the orcs. An interesting sequence. But, again, no time.

- Is it just me, or does Frodo actually get seen by the eye of Sauron? And what the hell is with the weird trip fall that he does to avoid its gaze? I don't think hiding behind a rock is going to do much to deter a being whose supernatural vision can pierce through any veil.

- Sauron "speaks" in the series through his emissary, The Mouth of Sauron, the guy who seems like he's being groomed to be the next Lord of the Nazgul. He rides out of the Black Gate and displays the mithril shirt, elven cloak and sword of men to the heroes as proof that their halfling friends have failed in their quest, and that they now suffer the torments of the Dark Tower. He offers to release them, if the host of the west will retreat, and help to rebuild Isengard so that one of Mordor's lieutenants can abide there. Gandalf rejects these proposals, and the fight begins. In a book/film lacking any direct contact with the big bad guy, we need scenes like this to put something of a face on the enemy. And the Mouth of Sauron sequence is important because it shows us that our heroes will choose to fight to the end, even when they believe that the quest for the ring has failed.

- Aragorn's speech to his men seems rather shitty compared to one Theoden gave before the charge of the Rohirrim, and if I was there I'd probably be like: Wait, we're following this guy? Damn, I should have just stayed home.

- Why is Merry at the Black Gate? He should be recovering back at Minas Tirith from the wounds he received at the battle of the Pelennor Fields. Even stabbing the Lord of the Nazgul can kill you, don't you know?

- We need to hear Gollum's pathetic speech about how he will die if the ring is destroyed, and that he only wants to live a little while longer before it happens. Its the only reason that Sam doesn't kill him outside of Mount Doom.

- One of my favorite things about the climax of ROTK in the books is the fact that the closer they get to Mount Doom, the more like an angelic/demonic spirit Frodo becomes, almost as if some of Sauron is rubbing off on him. So, when Gollum attacks them it is in fact Frodo who overpowers him with the will of the ring itself, and then intones that: "If you touch me ever again, you will be cast yourself into the fire of doom." And that is, of course, what happens. Here Frodo just sort of remains a whiny bitch, and has to rely on Sam. The thread continues when Sam comes across Frodo standing over the crack of doom. In the books he claims the ring for himself, becoming quite sinister: His journey to the dark side complete. Here I don't get that sense that Frodo has become more than just a crazy hobbit.

- In the film one of the Olog-Hai (super trolls) almost kills Aragorn during the fight at the Black Gate. In the books, Pippin dispatches one of these monsters before being almost crushed to death underneath it. I'd like to think that the king of Gondor could handle a mere troll, super or otherwise.

- Gollum riding on Frodo's back, while Frodo is invisible, just looks goofy. I again refer you to the way that this scene was handled by Rankin Bass, its much more understated but just as epic.

- Gollum and Frodo fighting over the ring after Gollum has already bitten his finger off is total overkill, and it makes it so that it actually is not Gollum who completes the quest, a complete departure from the book. It also sort of turns Frodo into a murderer, something he is spared from by Gollum in an indirect way. I always felt that if Gollum wasn't there, it would almost seem sure that Frodo and Sam might have had to fight over the ring, leading to another dead hobbit. But no, instead we have to be subjected to...

- False death number eleven. Frodo falls off the side with Gollum? And then almost gives up on life due to his desire for the ring? What, is he Dr. Elsa Schneider from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? I also hate the way this ties in with Sam's ridiculous false death at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring. Just get them out of there for pete's sake!

- The last and final blow to Sauron as a respectable villain is the way his eye comically looks around, frightened, as the Dark Tower crumbles beneath it. Its too bad, because I actually love the way Barad-dur shatters into a million fragments in the Sauron shock wave. I prefer the way he goes out in the books: Forming into a giant lightning crowned shadow of himself over all of Mordor, and then being blown away on the wind.

- I hate the way that the earthquakes only kill the minions of Sauron. They're earthquakes, they can't distinguish between good and evil!

- False death number twelve is that of Frodo and Sam. I think a better way to have played this scene would have been to just pull back far enough from them as they were discussing the fact that there way out of the situation so that you could see the approaching eagles, who would then pick them up just as they were about to pass out from the fumes and heat. Fading to black is always a bad idea. Especially if you do it two or three times.

- Wouldn't it have been nice to see how Eowyn and Faramir got together?

- The Jackson team seemed to think that the second to last chapter of ROTK, The Scouring of the Shire, was anticlimactic after the destruction of the ring. What they fail to see, however, is the fact that it actually is the real climax of the book. To bring those who haven't read ROTK up to speed: The hobbits return to the shire, and find that its been turned into a miniature version of Mordor. Bagshot row, which is at the base of the hill leading up to Bag End, has been turned into a sand and gravel quarry. Trees have been felled, ugly new mills have been created, and the whole place is under the control of someone named "Sharky." Gandalf, who has traveled with them all the way to Bree, lets them handle this on their own. And they are more than up to the task, after their journeys. Merry and Pippin have grown considerably, and are incredibly capable warriors, and they quickly gather the hobbits to fight the men who've ruined the shire. Once this has been done, they find that "Sharky" is none other than Saruman, who traveled to the Shire after escaping from Isengard, and that he ruined what the hobbits were fighting to protect out of sheer malice. The hobbits want to kill him, but Frodo surprisingly says no. Despite all Saruman has done, he still shows him pity. Saruman then tries to kill Frodo with a hidden knife, but fails to penetrate his mithril shirt, and still Frodo orders the hobbits to stand down. Finally, Saruman orders Wormtongue to follow him, and reveals that Wormtongue killed (and possibly ate) Lotho Sackville-Baggins, who had acted in Saruman's name until he came to take over the shire personally. Grima then turns on Saruman and kills him, and is then shot by one of the hobbits. The War of the Ring's final blows take place right on the doorstep of Bag End. You can't tell me that this wouldn't have been a great way to capstone the action of the film. After all, its the only time in the book when Frodo, the main protagonist, faces Saruman, the only antagonist in the book who really has a human face. IT IS THE REAL CLIMAX OF THE STORY. Removing it from the film, and leaving the shire intact, also cheats us of some of the book's primary message: Good will always win, but at a great cost. We are also robbed of the reconstruction of the shire images, which is full of symbolic imagery, such as Samwise planting a mallorn tree where the Party Tree once stood.

- Frodo's memories of pain from the Witch King's blade, Shelob's sting and Gollum's bite is handled rather clumsily with him simply narrating that he can't pick his old life back up. Show us, don't tell us. Its a movie, remember? All they had to do to achieve this would be to contrast Sam's happiness, and his new life with Rosie Cotton, with Frodo's solitary suffering, which he is trying to hide.

- I think its important for us to know that Frodo is literally taking Arwen's spot on the boat heading into the west. I also think its important for us to know that he is going because he is a ring bearer, and that Samwise will also be allowed to make the journey, since he, too, was a ring bearer, if only for awhile.

- The hugging sequence is just too cheesy for me. I think it would be better if Frodo gave Samwise his goodbye speech and then broke down right at the end. So much sadder than seeing a lot of sloppy hugs. I also hate the goofy smile on Frodo's face when he gets on the ship. Healing is going to take a long time for Frodo, even in the Undying Lands, so I would have preferred seeing him looking as stately as Galadriel.

- Samwise inherits Bag End from Frodo, and have been living with him for some time before he departs into the West, so I'm not sure why he and Rosie have a new house.

- You know what the best part of this movie is? The credits. They are so beautifully illustrated by Alan Lee, and Annie Lennox's song really compliments them. My one complaint about them is that I think they should act as credits for all three films, and should have included pictures and credits of all of the major characters, particularly Christopher Lee and Brad Dourif.

THE END