What We Know

There’s a new virus.

The virus is basically a new strain of the flu.

The virus isn’t the flu, but it’s comparable.

The virus isn’t comparable to the flu.

The virus is far deadlier than the flu.

 

The virus originated from China.

The virus is the result of a wet market in China.

The virus is the result of a bat infecting a pangolin infecting a person. 

The virus is a biological weapon created by the Chinese government.

The virus is a biological weapon created by the American government.

The virus is a biological weapon created by a bioengineering firm that shares an eerie similarity to the Umbrella Corporation from the Resident Evil franchise.

 

China is in quarantine, but we probably won’t have to do that.

Other countries are going into quarantine, but we probably won’t do that.

We’re probably going into quarantine, but we don’t know when.

We’re going into quarantine.

 

So be prepared.

But:

Don’t buy all the toilet paper.

Don’t buy all the meat.

Don’t buy all the paper towels.

Don’t buy all the bread.

Don’t buy all the flour.

If you don’t buy toilet paper, meat, paper towels, bread, or flour right now, it probably won’t be there when you need it.

 

No one could have seen this coming.

Some people saw this coming.

Bill Gates saw this coming.

Lots of people saw this coming, but we didn’t act fast enough.

Most experts have been waiting for this since 1918.

This basically already happened in 2002, but we didn’t notice and forgot about it.

We will never forget these times.

 

Symptoms of the virus may include:

A dry cough.

Fever.

Chills.

Fatigue.

Headaches.

Body aches.
Sore throat.

Losing your sense of smell.

Shortness of breath.

Having a runny nose.

General congestion.

Nausea.

Vomiting.

Diarrhea.

Feeling in any way shape or form unwell.

Contact your physician, if you even have one, if you are experiencing any of the above.

 

Although, trouble breathing may just be your anxiety.

And, trouble breathing might just be your allergies.

And, the flu is still around too, you know.

And, even if you are sick, don’t go to the hospital. They are going to be overwhelmed.

That said, go to the hospital if you are having trouble breathing.

Or if you are turning blue lips or face.

Or if you have pressure on your chest.

Or if you feel like your death may be imminent.

Don’t go otherwise.

 

But in the meantime:

Wash your hands.

Really wash them. With soap.

Wash your hands longer. You aren’t washing them right.

Recite Shakespeare while washing your hands.

To be safe, use hand sanitizer too.

But don’t buy all the hand sanitizer.

And maybe wear a mask.

Actually, no, you don’t need to wear a mask.

The only masks that are worth wearing are medical masks.

I mean, you can wear a mask, but we don’t recommend it.

But actually, wear a mask, because we do recommend it.

 

So, definitely wear a mask.

But don’t buy the masks doctors and nurses need.

And don’t buy all the masks.

And don’t buy cheap masks. They won’t work.

Can’t find a mask? Make your own masks.

Wear the masks.

Actually wear them. Over your mouth and nose.

And stay six feet away from people.

Twelve feet would actually be better, but we can’t ask for everything.

Also, please keep yourself away from “at risk” groups.

 

Who’s at risk? Glad you asked.

The elderly are at risk.

People with compromised immune systems are at risk.

People with asthma are at risk.

People with diabetes are at risk.

People with obesity are at risk.

People on cruise ships are at risk.

Tom Hanks is at risk.

You are at risk.

 

Except for children. They are basically immune to the virus.

But you aren’t.

So don’t go outside.

Don’t touch your face.

Don’t touch your eyes.

Don’t touch your mouth.

Don’t touch surfaces.

Actually, don’t touch anything.

And maybe shave your beard.

 

Although, we don’t know how long the virus can survive on surfaces.

And the virus isn’t actually alive.

That said, the virus can live on surfaces for a number of days,

Depending on the surface.

 

Maybe, just to be safe, wipe down every surface you might touch with antiseptics.

But don’t buy all the antiseptics.

And stay inside.

But also make sure to get outside and get some exercise.

Buy you can’t outrun people’s sneezes.

Or their breath.

So go outside!

But only if no one is there.

 

What’s that? Your pets?

We’re not sure.

I mean, dogs and cats might spread the virus.

Wait, no, dogs and cats can’t spread the virus.

Actually, though, tigers can catch the virus.

So, dogs and cats can catch the virus from you, but they can’t spread it to you.

Or others.

We think.

 

But here’s what we do know:

Don’t drink bleach.

Don’t blow hairdryers directly into your nose and mouth.

Don’t inject yourself with bleach.

Don’t take anti-malarial drugs.

Don’t take ibuprofen.

Don’t buy all the Tylenol.

 

Actually, false alarm, forget that whole ibuprofen thing.

And wait, maybe anti-malarial drugs do work?

Also, oops, turns out children aren’t immune to the virus.

Maybe you should just remain indoors.

 

But take some Vitamin-D.

Because that might help.

Or go outside and get some sun.

But don’t go to the beach.

And don’t go to parties.

And don’t go to work.

But we really need to get back to work or the economy will never recover.

Maybe just avoid Disney World.

Definitely don’t live in Florida.

Is it August already?

Kids really need to get back to school or they’ll fall behind.

And remember to get out and vote in the November election.

If there is one.

 

Remain indoors.