Lucky Kitty

one night i went to see my old friend
who went to cornell
cornell is a university which contains people who are smarter than me
when people ask me where i go to school
i tell them i go to ithaca
but they always ask
(for confirmation)
if i go to cornell
oh, cornell?
they say
no
i say
i am too stupid to go there

i was driving
because i was driving i couldnít crawl into a corner
into a little ball
a little ball is what i am when i want to think about what i am doing with my life
instead
i just kept driving over these bridges which were made out of steel
bridges are things you burn behind you
they didn't catch fire, though

my old friend is short
but he has a beard now
which he wears because he says people told him he looked like a frog
he is trying to avoid that
my old friend also has a napoleon complex
a napoleon complex is when you want to take over europe because you are short
which is not to say that he wants to take over europe
although i wouldn't rule that out either
that is a joke

my old friend lives in what looks like a castle from the outside
hard and crunchy
on the inside it is soft
with a creamy filling
i walk in and almost immediately somebody asks me if i am going to the roman orgy tonight
a roman orgy is when people eat grapes off of each other
someone else has their arm around me saying
please come
and these are the residence advisors
i say
followed by a cheap rimshot from the backup band
audience laughs
i vamp for awhile
there are people in togas eating grapes off of each other just down the hall
then my friend is there
telling people about how i am funny
in fact
i am the funniest man alive
tell us some funny stories
dave
instead
though
my muscles tighten involuntarily
egged on by the crowd, i start dancing the charleston
this is called entertaining
entertaining is what happens when a man
asked for a funny story
starts dancing the charleston

by the end of the night i am tired of games
particularly monopoly
monopoly is when someone owns everything
and makes everyone live in green houses and red hotels
i just want to twist and bend until i am splayed like a spider
and then scuttle away under the furniture
instead
my old friend sprays his girlfriend's perfume on me
perfume is something people wear to get lucky
i do not feel too lucky
finally he delivers a closing monologue
tells a few jokes about the president
good night everybody

when i get back home someone asks me what i have been doing all night
getting lucky
i say
they sniff the air and then smile and nod at me
later
in bed
i curl up into a little ball and sleep like a kitten
a kitten is a small little animal that sleeps in a ball