Recently, I had a conversation about my general lack of what many people consider to be "common knowledge" regarding sports. As you are about to discover, it's a fair observation. I've never been very interested in sports, and though I've certainly seen some games over the years, I can't say that they were terribly memorable events. What I don't know about sports could probably fill up an encyclopedia.
But what about what I do know?
For the purpose of keeping this blog an accurate depiction of my personal sports knowledge, I will not resort to double-checking any of this information, so if there are any spelling errors, or outright falsehoods, I apologize in advance.
Off we go . . .
Baseball: Widely regarded as the national pass time of the United States. Also big in Japan. Probably a mutated version of cricket, though I don't know that much about cricket either. The rules seem a little complicated, but it's basically people hitting a ball and trying to run around a series of bases (arrayed in a diamond shape) before someone catches the ball and tags someone from the opposite team with it. Although, if someone catches it, the hitter is "out," so you basically want to either hit the ball so hard that it goes out of bounds (a "home run", unless it goes the wrong way, which is called a "foul") or do something weird, like not hit it very hard (this is called "bunting") and run to first base before someone tags you with it, or throws the ball to the guy standing on first base. Cheating is actually encouraged, so if you can run to a base while the pitcher's not paying attention, you can get away with it. Except not from home plate. Like I said, it's weirdly complicated. Baseball teams are based out of cities, but there are clearly different levels of competition, as I've never seen the Syracuse team (I think they're either the Chiefs or the Sky-Chiefs, but maybe they've changed their name to something totally different while I wasn't paying attention) play the New York Yankees. The Red Socks are based out of Boston, and they and the Yankees hate each other's guts. Or at least, their fans do. The Red Socks broke a long losing-streak several years ago, and people were excited about it. There's another team with a long-losing streak, but I don't know who they are. The Cubs, maybe? That sounds right, at any rate. Babe Ruth was a baseball player. Also, Ty Cobb. Also . . . Derek Jeter. Hmmm. Oh, also, there was a scandal in 1919 when eight of the White Socks threw the World Series (whatever that is.) And one of those guys was Shoeless Joe Jackson, and some kid was like, "Say it ain't so, Joe." And I imagine that made Mr Jackson very sad.
Basketball: Two teams run back and forth and put a ball through a relatively high hoop, either by jumping up and tossing the ball in, or "shooting" it with their hands. You're allowed to block these attempts, but not too much, and you're not supposed to touch the other players, I think. If you knock them down, that is a "foul" and then the other team gets to get some free shots at the basket. You get more points if you shoot the ball farther from the hoop, but I think the most you can score on a single "basket" is three points. There's a lot of scoring in basketball, and people seem to enjoy that. Teams are based out of cities. The Bulls are from Chicago. There's a team called the Celtics, but no one pronounces their name correctly. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley (sp?) are basketball players. Also, Shaquille O'Neil. Oh, and Kareem Abdul Jabbar (thanks Airplane!) and . . . Larry Bird. And Lebron James, who's actually a pretty good actor. I also only know who these people are due to commercials and movies. Anyhow, most people seem to be more interested in College Basketball, especially in Syracuse. Our team is the Orangemen, and one time, while I was out of town, we won a championship and people kind of lost it and started tearing down trees and guys in riot gear were sent in to break it up. St. Bonaventure's team is called the Bonnies, but I only know that because that's where my friend Pete went to school. The Harlem Globetrotters are not a real team, but I'm not really sure where they fit in. I think they just go around the country putting on exposition games against a fake team of really white guys, who we're supposed to hate. I guess it's kind of like professional wrestling, but with more basketball.
Boxing: Two guys beat each other in a ring until one of them gets knocked out, or is just so battered and confused (or tired of being hit) that they don't get up after ten seconds. The boxers wear gloves, which is supposed to soften the blows, but I think it causes more brain damage because of how the hits are absorbed by the head. You can't punch below the belt. There are occasionally breaks in the fighting to give the boxers time to cool down and have their wounds tended to. Jake LaMotta was a boxer (thanks Raging Bull!) Mike Tyson was/is a boxer, and was famous enough to be the end boss of the NES game Punch-Out, but then he went kind of nuts and bit off part of someone's ear (Evander Holyfield, I think) and I don't even know if he boxes anymore. He does have pet tigers though.
Fencing: This is basically two people fighting with swords, which is no where near as cool as it should be. The participants wear a lot of white protective gear, which de-humanizes them to the point where they might as well be robots, and the bouts tend to be very very quick. The goal is simply to touch your opponent with the tip of your sword, which are blunt and, I think, have electronic sensors in them, so they're not slashing and hacking at each other, or kicking over big candelabras, or, you know, dueling the way people do in the movies. Oh, also, the swords are called "foils."
Football: A game where two teams attempt to get a oddly shaped ball into the opposing team's "end-zone," usually by throwing, catching, or running with it while people try to knock each other down. You can kick the ball through a goal, but it's not worth as many points. It probably derived from Rugby, though I don't know enough about that sport to make comparisons. People get seriously injured during this game, but, unlike hockey, actual fighting is not allowed. Football is probably only played in America. Teams generally seem to be based out of cities, but some seem to be from regions. The New England Patriots, for instance, are probably from Boston, but I'm not sure. Both the Giants and the Jets are from New York City, though I don't think they ever play each other. The Bills are from Buffalo, NY, and their name is a reference to a guy who made a name for himself shooting tons of actual buffalos in the mid-west. The Cowboys are from Dallas. The Dolphins are from Miami. The Eagles are from Philadelphia. The Ravens are from Baltimore (and I only know that because of my interest in Edgar Allen Poe.) There's also the Rams, the Steelers, the Vikings, and the, um, Raiders, but I don't know where they're from. There might be a team called the Buccaneers, but that might be another sport. There seem to be a lot of shady characters in Football, and people always seem to be making terrible career moves by shooting themselves in the leg, participating in dog-fighting, or actually murdering people. Joe Namath was a football player, but I get the feeling that was a long time ago. Also, Dan Marino, who played for the Dolphins (thanks Ace Ventura!) And who could forget O. J. Simpson? There's some other people too, but I have a hard time remembering their names, despite the fact that some of them are called Plaxico and Bulger. Matt Bulger? It's something like that. There's a guy called Brett Favre whose last name is pronounced "Farv," and people talk about him like he's a super villain. I think it's because he kept retiring and then coming back to the game, but it might also be because he played for different teams. I'm not sure. The big championship game everyone is trying to get to is called the Super Bowl, which is always on a Sunday, and is usually when you can see a lot of interesting commercials. There's usually a pretty big act playing during the midway point of the game (half-time, yes?) There's also a Rose Bowl and a Sugar Bowl, but I don't know who plays in those, or why. There's also the puppy bowl, but that's just an excuse to watch cute dogs play with toys.
Golf: People attempt to put small white balls into holes in the ground on a very well manicured lawn. The less you have to swing at the ball, the better you are. People are always saying "golf is a game you play against yourself." Golf is a Scottish sport, and is usually played by affluent people. I think this is because you can only really play golf at a golf club, and the club probably needs to be fairly wealthy in order to afford the maintenance that a large series of well-groomed lawns requires. There are a lot of different clubs, with names like Five-Iron, but damned if I know what the difference is between them. I do know the putter is used to gently knock the ball into the hole when you've gotten that close, but it always seems like people are narrowly missing, and then the crowd groans. Speaking of crowds, you're supposed to keep quiet when you are watching golf. You can't heckle the players or cheer them on. Even when they win the response is usually pretty tame. I assume golf is a summer sport, since it has to be played outside, and I've never seen anyone contending with snow. Tiger Woods is golfer, and was once well-liked, but then he had an affair and his reputation suffered. There's also that guy, who I always want to called Jack Nicholson. You know who I mean, the guy who has a brand of half and half? Nicholas? Jack Nicholas? Is that right?
Hockey: Two teams attempt to put a hard disc (a "puck") into the opposing teams goal. With sticks. While skating on ice. Smashing into other players is allowed, sort of, but penalized. If you start fighting with another player, people won't break it up until one of you falls down. Since people are always being penalized and put into a sort of holding area, you can end up with teams that aren't the same size, giving one team a big advantage. As a result of all the violence, and the very real possibility of being hit in the face by the puck, Hockey players tend to have missing teeth. Wayne Gretsky was a hockey player. Syracuse's local team is called the Crunch, and our mascot is either a superhero wearing shades or a rabid panda that people call "the ice gorilla." I think I saw a game where the opposing team was called the Sea Barons, and their mascot was a shark wearing a top hat and monocle. I also saw a game that started off with a all-out brawl, much like the ending of Slap Shot. I kind of like hockey.
Horse-Racing: A bunch of really little guys race horses around a ellipse-shaped track, usually on horseback, but also sometimes in a little cart that the horse is pulling. To the best of my knowledge, only men ride the horses. Which seems odd, because you'd think women would be lighter than men. Although the men (called jockeys) are pretty small dudes. This sport is popular with gamblers, who have all sorts of different bets running on who is going to win, place, show, etc. Winning is self-explanatory, placing is coming in first and second, and showing is coming in first, second, or third. There's also "exotic" bets like trifectas and boxes, where you have to guess in what order the horses finish, and so on. Can you tell I've actually watched (and betted on) a few horse races in my life? Due to the gambling element, and the cost of competing, there's a lot of fishy stuff going on in horse racing, like guys purposely reining in their steeds, and drug use (both human and equine), and apparently all lot of the jockeys are more than a little rough around the edges. It's also bad news when a horse takes a fall during a race; usually, if they break a leg, the horse is put down. The big show in America is the Kentucky Derby, which is a pretty showy affair- people dress up in ascots and My Fair Lady style hats and all. The British have the Gold Cup, which a lot of people call Ascot, though I'm not really sure why. Famous race horses that I know the names of: Cigar, Seabiscuit, Man of War, and Secretariat. My mom really likes horse racing.
Soccer: Also called "Football" outside of the United States. The game involves two teams attempting to put a spotted ball into the opposing team's goal, which is a fairly large net with a frame. You are not allowed to use your hands, unless you're the goalie or are throwing the ball back into game from "out of bounds," so this generally involves a lot of footwork. It's a generally low scoring game, which Americans don't like, apparently. The rest of the world seems to be big fans of soccer. Every some odd years there's a championship game called the world cup that features teams representing countries. South American teams seem to be regarded as very good. Soccer fans are also notoriously violent, and people tend to get crushed to death during soccer riots. I don't know any soccer player's names, but I do know that women seem to find soccer players very attractive, so they've got that going for them.
Tennis: Two people knock a ball back and forth with racquets, over a net, trying to get it (the ball) to land somewhere in the other person's zone (?) at least once. Hitting the net, even just a bit, is a no-no, but I'm not sure what the penalty is for doing so. The scoring is really weird. Rather than just say, 3 to 1 or whatever, the judges call out things like "15-Love," and damned if I know what any of it means. It's probably because this sport is so ridiculously old, and it's some leftover scoring system from the Renaissance, or something. The gaming area is called a court, for likely the same reason. Tennis players, men and women both, seem to grunt or scream a lot during this sport, especially when they're hitting the ball. They also tend to get into heated arguments with the ref, who sits really high so he can see the game. Billie Jean King is a tennis player who once played against, and beat (I assume!) an unapologetic sexist male tennis player. There's also Maria Sharipova (sp?), who I mainly know for being blonde and attractive, and camera endorsing. There seem to be a lot of attractive female tennis players, actually. Oh, and Andre Agassi! Andre used to have super 80's hair, but then he shaved it all off, probably because he started going bald. I mainly know who he is due to a skit called Advantage Agassi from the Ben Stiller Show.
